Two years later...

I thought by now I'd be doing something I love again. But I guess that will have to be put on hold, as I finish school (accounting), stick with the job that provides me with insurance, go down this stable path, and blah blah blah. I know that people say if you really love something, you won't let anything stand in your way. But that's just not realistic. If I come into a significant amount of money someday, I promise I will quit my job and pursue my dreams. And who knows, maybe I'll find the "something I love" in a place I wasn't expecting.

 I need some excitement in my life, which is probably a dangerous place to be in for a person like me. Hopefully I don't end up in jail or smushed like a pancake somewhere.

 I used to think I was pretty open minded, but I'm beginning to question that now. Because I've found that it's hard to be friends with people who don't see racism or injustice. As nice of a person as they are, I just can't do it.

 Eating healthy sucks. But I guess it's a part of getting older. Less big macs, more kale.

The Big 2-9

Maybe it's because I'm turning 29 in 2 days, but I am feeling a lot of pressure. I feel a lot of pressure to be happy, and successful. Maybe my expectations are just too high, or maybe I'm letting fear hold me back. But I think that if I didn't have anyone in my life that I was super close to, I would feel a lot more free to make mistakes, and take the long road... maybe. I think a part of me also doesn't want to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend years in school again, or... go to school again, or be too tired to play with my kids, or be the one that people tell their kids not to end up like. Maybe I just need a nudge. Or a hint. Or... a big ass change. Well, I know 29 usually isn't a monumental year, like 30, for example, but I think it will be for me. I don't know, I think it will be... wait for it... EPIC.

Life is too short to be unhappy...

I've been saying it's time for a change, and it just gets harder as I get older.

Waiting...

I'm getting tired of waiting. It's not that I am impatient, but it's gotten to the point that the longer I wait, the less sure I feel of myself. The more time that goes by, the less valued I feel as a person. I am the last person that should determine what's healthy, but the feeling that "this is right" is beginning to wane...

Walgreens

I had a couple different types of run-ins with a couple people who work at the Walgreens that is conveniently located right next to my building. I used to go there everyday. They have all my favs... EZ Mac, fruit by the foot, fruit roll ups, white cheddar popcorn, jalapeno cheddar cheetos, hot nuggets... But now, I have to find a different Walgreens. I mean, they're all over downtown, but now I have to walk 2 blocks instead of next door. I could just be a woMAN and not give a shit and just go to the next door Walgreens anyways, because I'm a paying customer and I am a grown woman who should be able to deal with confrontation every now and then... but nahhhhh, 2 blocks isn't that bad... and exercise is good...

It's been a year...

     ...and I must admit that a blog is hard to maintain. I think I just don't have something interesting to say everyday. Personally, I can't even begin to understand how people maintain a Twitter account. So maybe this post is a little hypocritical or ironic or something, because I have nothing huge or exciting to report, but I miss writing. I realized the other day, during a big fight with my boyfriend, that writing helps me lay out my thoughts. In real life, I think something, or say something, and I think I expect the other person to just know what I mean. But my boyfriend and I are complete opposites, and so of course, a lot of times, he has no idea what I mean. Then he asks me to explain myself, but I can't. I struggle to verbalize my thoughts, at times, which is odd to me, because I can explain and talk about feelings all day. I struggle to make connections to get from where I am, to where the other person is. But writing... I think writing is something that can be beneficial for everyone. It helps us express ourselves in a different way, with no pressure, no one in our face, it's just mano y paper. Though I guess it's been a long time since I've actually written anything down on paper.

     Anyways, I've been interviewing with this company now, and although I had my doubts at first, I think I want to work there. I always compare my life at my current job to the movie "Shawshank Redemption." And yes, I know that sounds terrible. That's the point. But just like in the movie, being free is scary. I don't know if it's a human thing, or a messed up person thing, but you definitely get used to the abuse. I was in an abusive relationship once, and I remember screaming a lot that I wanted to leave, but I continued to stay. We would get into a huge fight, he would get super mad, things would get broken, people would be called, but then he would apologize, and I would stay. I thank God that He gave me the courage to leave eventually, and somehow, that whole situation is how I know that I will leave my job one day. Secretly, though, I know that human resources is not my passion. It's something that I like doing, but it's not the thing that makes me feel alive. Truthfully, I don't know what that thing is... still. I am about to be 29, and I still have no idea. Well, that's not true. I felt alive when I worked in foster care, but I don't think I want to be a caseworker my whole life. I don't even know if I would want to be a supervisor my whole life. I like managing people, but I wouldn't want that to be all I do. I just... I like to help people become the best that they can be. I want to help people feel fulfilled, happy, capable... I want to give people hope when they think there is none. That sounds like I want to be Jesus. Maybe I have a Savior complex. Maybe I just need kids of my own. I admit that my desire to help people is selfish; it makes me feel good. But I try to lessen that by doing things in secret, which, now that I think about it, doesn't really make it any less selfish at all... damn.

     Well, I want kids. I want my own kids, and I want foster kids. I want to keep raising kids until I'm old and grey. But as much as I've been against marriage and men for most of my life, I think it is very important to me to give my children a family and a father if I can. I think it's important for the kids to see what real love looks like in their parents. I think it's important to have two people balancing each other out, keeping each other accountable. But I'm not going to force this. I'm not going to give an ultimatum, or issue any threats, because that would counteract all the reasons why I want a family and father for my children in the first place. If I can't have children of my own, then I hope God will grant me children through some other means, and I mean that. It's way too easy to forget, but God works for the good of those who love him (Romans 8). God says, "For I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you." How can I not put my complete faith in such a God?

Don't ever let someone live with you. Don't believe a man, unless he is Jesus Christ himself.