I'm so sad inside, and all over. I don't know what to do. I need help.

Undeserving

"God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us."


I am a work in progress. My life is a work in progress, and for that, I am thankful. I am thankful that I have His spirit living in me, and that I have another work in progress by my side.

Insomnia

I can't sleep. Go figure.

I need a distraction... bad.

Storms

After Jesus was teaching and healing all day, he tells his disciples that they should cross over to the other side of the lake, so they all get in a boat. Jesus lays down to take a nap because he's had a long day. Soon after they leave, it starts storming like crazy and the boat starts to fill up with water. The disciples start freaking out and wake Jesus up frantically yelling, "Don't you care if we drown??" Jesus wakes up, rebukes the wind and waves and says, "Silence! Be still!" Everything calms down.

Then Jesus says,"Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

Even though I know that God created the world and is sovereign over all creation, I still get so scared when bad things happen. I think that God is sleeping and doesn't care about what is going on. Even when Jesus was sleeping on the boat, he was in control of the wind and the waves. I highly doubt that he would have let the storm sink the boat that he and the disciples were on. But the disciples still freaked out.

I'm freaking out now. I'm sad, I'm scared, I don't know what to do, and I can't seem to find the faith that I should be able to have in a God who calms the wind and the waves. I know I am never alone because God has promised that He will never leave or forsake me, but I feel alone. God asks, "Why are you afraid?" It's because I don't truly know the character of God. I don't know and believe that God cares more about the people in my life than I ever could. I don't know and believe that God's heart breaks when mine does, because if I did, I would not feel alone. God asks, "Do you still have no faith?" I guess I don't. Trusting in someone only when you don't really need to isn't really trusting them. I wish for a lot of things; I wish gaining faith was simple and formulaic, I wish bad things didn't happen to good people, I wish the path to things we want wasn't so hard all the time, I wish I was in control of my life...

But there's no power in that. If things were easy and perfect all the time, then I wouldn't feel the need for God, and I can very confidently say that a life without God is meaningless. I wish I could say "BRING IT ON!!" because I am now ready to face life head-on. Maybe one day... but that day is not today...

What goes up, must come down.

I knew that after what I posted yesterday, life would challenge me. I still think that some things are worth trying and trying again for; I'm just feeling a little discouraged at the moment. Sometimes it feels like there are too many things to fight, and then there's the fight with myself. Fighting can get exhausting, which just means that I need to make sure that I'm fighting for the right things... and also know when to stop fighting.

There's this parable that Jesus tells Peter when Peter asks how many times he should forgive a person. It's about a servant who owes his master a modern-day equivalent of several million dollars. The servant couldn't pay, the master had pity on the servant, and erased his debt. Then the servant goes out and sees a guy who owes him a couple thousand dollars. He demands his money and when the guy can't pay, the servant has the guy thrown in jail until he can repay the whole amount. WTF right?

But yeah, that's me. I would go into further explanation but... I don't want to. I feel like that's all I need to say- that's me. I'm that servant. And I think I spend a lot of time fighting the wrong things. I think that sometimes I need to put away my boxing gloves and look at the cross.

If at first you don't succeed...

...try, try again. Even if you spend your whole life trying, and trying again, it will have been worth it. Just make sure that you're trying for something that gives you life, not drains it from you.

"Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be."

Jury Duty!!!

I am at jury duty today. I'd like to say that I'm here because I want to fulfill my civic duty but the truth is, I got a summons from the state of IL threatening embarrassment in front of my friends and coworkers if I fail to show up for jury duty a second time. Being here is very reminiscent of Saturday detention in high school. I was a good kid but somehow I ended up in Saturday detention almost every week. I think when I graduated I still had 3 Saturdays to serve.. maybe they just got transferred to my sister. I wouldn't be surprised; she used to always complain about having to endure the residual effects of my delinquent behavior.

But seriously, this is tortorous. I'm all about serving my state, or county, or whatever, but there's gotta be a less painful way to do so. With all this technology and stuff, we should be able to serve jury duty via Skype or something. Then I wouldn't have to get felt up by a security guard after going through a metal detector or sit in these rock hard chairs.

All in all though, I guess I can't complain too much. I didn't have to go to work today, and I got to have lunch with my crazy boyfriend. Fulfilling my civic duty definitely has its perks.

**EDIT**

Perk #3... cha ching! We goin Sizzler, we goin Sizzler!

Starting a new blog...

I tried to resurrect my old xanga page from way back when but apparently, when you tell xanga to shut your page down, they actually shut it down. When you tell Facebook that you want to shut your page down, they actually put it in a box and stick it in the attic so that when you realize you acted rashly, you can just click a button and your page is brought down from the attic. Maybe this is why I still don't back anything up even though I know I should. I blame Facebook for all my problems. That's it, I need to shut it down.

So anyways, I decided that I want to start blogging again, and since I have a crazy  loving boyfriend who was eager to set up a blog at the simple mention of me possibly wanting to start one, here I am. Hopefully, I will have lots of interesting things to say. I gotta keep my audience (of one, consisting of my wonderful man) entertained.