Don't ever let someone live with you. Don't believe a man, unless he is Jesus Christ himself.

How do I get up each day, get out of bed each day, when I feel like half of me is gone? Someone please tell me. God, please hold me. You said you would never leave me.

Moths Destroy

We discovered that we had pantry moths this weekend. If you don't know what these are, google them. But be warned that they are pretty gross. We had to throw away a ton of food and basically spray the whole area with stuff to kill any possible remnants. I hate bugs, and it would be the one reason I would not succeed on fear factor. One moth on its own isn't so bad, but the idea of many moths breeding and feeding on our food gives me chills and makes me want to throw up, so Lou did a lot of the cleaning (bless his soul). It was hard for us to throw away so much food, but because we didn't know how much damage the moths had done, we wanted to be safe rather than sorry.

Now, let me just say that I am no holy Joe or Jane, there were much more Sundays that I didn't go to church in the past year, I don't read the bible everyday, and I seem to pray often in desperate situations, but God is very sovereign and his love goes far beyond my deservance or understanding. He brought a passage to my heart: Matthew 6:19-21. I have read these verses many many times in my life, but at this time, the verses had a relevance that exceeded any other time. It says "Don't store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven where moths and rust cannot destroy and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there your heart will also be."

I am thankful that God loves me so much that he takes things from me, not in anger or out of an evil heart, but out of love, to show me where my treasure is, and to remind me of His everlasting love. I am pretty stubborn and prideful, so I know that this was not God's first attempt to show me this, but real love doesn't give up.

Jacket On, Jacket Off

When I read that Jesus told Simon Peter to let down his nets in Luke 5, I honestly thought about the movie "The Karate Kid." No, not the old one (which I have yet to see), but the new one with Will Smith's kid. On a side note, the movie is actually pretty good... just ask Lou, he's seen the movie a hundred times and still bought the blue ray yesterday. :) But I thought of the movie because in the movie, Jackie Chan (Mr. Miyagi) tells Jaden (the karate kid) to take his jacket off, and put it back on, over and over, day after day. Whenever I see this part I always say "I can't believe he kept doing that for so long... I would've quit way earlier." In Luke 5, Jesus tells Simon to put down his nets even though they were fishing all night and they caught nothing. AND... Simon was kind of an expert fisherman, if there was such a thing, and Jesus was... not. AND... fish usually come up closer to the surface at night, and stay low during the day. But despite all these things, Simon puts his nets down, and then catch so many fish that their two boats were on the verge of sinking. Some people say I am... argumentative. I will agree with this.. somewhat. I wouldn't say that I always need to win, but I guess I do like to make sure that all parties have a clear understanding of everything. :) I am also a control freak someone who likes to be in control whenever possible, so I don't like doing things without knowing why.

I don't know if I would've been as trusting as Simon was. I definitely would have at least asked some questions. It is really hard for me to trust people, even God. The thing is, I have full confidence in God. I can't say the same thing about any person, but I DO trust God. Yet, I don't always live that way. Maybe I feel a disconnect... between the heavenly realm and the earthly realm. But all through the bible, we see how God has control over heaven AND earth. He has control over the weather, disease, the fish... maybe I just need to read more. I don't really know what the answer is, to be honest with you. It's just really hard for me to give up control and trust. But I definitely want boats so full of fish that they are on the verge of sinking, metaphorically, of course. And in the story, after this happens, Simon leaves everything and follows Jesus, which, back then, was a big deal because loyalty to family was a big deal. I think I'm trying to follow Jesus first, but the way it always happens is that someone has a little tiny bit of faith, and then Jesus responds with a HUGE demonstration of love, and THEN the person responds in bigger faith. I gotta work on that tiny bit of faith for now...

God's Mercy

The bf and I have started reading Luke. Luke was a doctor and I like him because he keeps his facts constant and accurate. I feel like his accounts are more objective than others.

Anyways. This morning when I read about the birth of John, even though the bible talks about how an angel appeared and a child was conceived in a barren womb, I couldn't stop thinking about how Zechariah couldn't speak all the way until the baby was born just because he was a little dubious. I mean, in all honesty, I think I doubt a lot of things. I am pretty science-y in the sense that I don't really believe things unless they can be proven by science. But I do believe in God, and that Jesus died on a cross so that I could have an intimate relationship with Him. This reminds me of a passage that Pastor Daniel was talking about... he said something about being renewed in "the spirit of our mind," and how that is a seemingly contradictory statement. After years of being a christian, I still find myself constantly asking "how do I get closer to God?" Of course, I know the church answers... read the bible, pray, go to church, have faith... but the problem is that yes, there is the part that I can control, and there is also the part that I can't really control. I need to be renewed in the spirit of my mind. There is a part that only God can do. It's like, God has the gift that I need, but I need to accept it. Ironically, anyone who knows me knows that I have a really hard time accepting gifts. So sometimes God needs to go to extremes or tell me something in multiple ways... and even then, I don't get it.

So anyways, I think I went on a huge tangent there... but moving on... this morning, I was looking for a parking spot, and I saw a car with the engine on in a spot that was right by the train. I knew that car was going to leave soon, so I waited. But then another car came behind me and I had to go around the block. I drove quick because I didn't want the spot to be taken. But of course, when I got back, I saw a car pulling into the spot. I was pretty annoyed. And then I had to drive around the block a good three more times before I finally found a spot that my car barely fit into. At this point, I was mad. Then I felt like God was reminding me of Jonah, and how even though God wanted to use him to save His people, he was crazy and stubborn and jumped into the water. And then later, he was complaining that it was so hot outside, so God made a vine to give him some shade, but then Jonah got really mad when the vine died. I am Jonah. I get mad about stuff all the time when I have no right to be mad. Everything I have is by the grace of God, and so even if the thing  gets taken away, it was still the grace of God that allowed me to have it for that period of time. How can I get mad about having something that I didn't deserve to have at all? I don't know, but somehow, I still manage to do so. If you read Jonah 4, Jonah sounds ridiculous. But sadly, I am Jonah. 

Fanny Crosby was rendered blind as an infant, due to a doctor's mistake, and she praised God her whole life, saying that it was a blessing that she was blind because if she had sight, she might have been distracted by all the things she could see. She says that even if she was offered sight, she would not take it, because this way, the first face she ever sees will be that of her blessed Savior. 

God used Jonah. God used Fanny Crosby. God has even used me. None of us were deserving of God's mercy, but through all these stories, God's mercy remains constant.

Getting out of the boat

So, I was talking to Ludwig last night about Peter walking on water, and how even though a lot of people focus on the fact that he lacked faith and started drowning, he is the only one besides Jesus who WALKED ON WATER! He had the faith that allowed him to walk on water.

The disciples didn't even recognize Jesus. They thought it was a ghost. I remember hearing a sermon once that asked "Do you have the faith to get out of the boat?" I don't know if I recognize Jesus in the midst of storms, when things get hard, when there is a lot going on... I don't know if I would get out of the boat. I'm scared to drown. I guess if you think about it though, Peter was the safest because he was the closest to Jesus. So when he started to drown, Jesus was able to reach out and immediately lift him out of the water. Jesus says that if we have the faith of a mustard seed, we can move mountains. I don't know if you've ever seen a mustard seed, but they are really freaking tiny. My cross country coach gave us each a mustard seed as part of this inspirational thing before a race. I dropped and lost mine within a minute. Like I said, it's freaking tiny. But all we need is the faith of a mustard seed, the faith to just get out of the boat, and God will move the mountains, or save us from drowning. I feel like I have 1/10th the faith of a mustard seed. I'm still scared to get out of the boat. But maybe drowning wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, because only then could I experience the saving grace of Jesus.

How sure should I be about something before I put all my marbles in? And how do I know if my certainty meets that requirement on an objective scale? At what point do you accept that it may just never happen?

It's been a long time...

...I shouldn't have left you.

I was about to write that not much has happened, but that's actually not the case. I went to Vegas with my man and saw lots of cool stuff and had a good time AND walked away with a little money in my pocket :)

In other news, I am registered to take the PHR test (again) on May 5, and I refuse to fail again. It's pretty long but very do-able. And I think I am going to apply to a couple more business schools. My talk with the admissions person at Northwestern was pretty discouraging and pretty much knocked me off my horse for a few months. But when I look back on it, it wasn't really terrible. Yes, I should have sent my stuff in sooner. And it's understandable that they would want more management experience. But those aren't things that I can't change. In the meantime, I'll just apply to schools whose bar is set a little lower. I'm all about lowering my standards anyways. Can't do a pull up? It's ok, there's the flexed arm hang. Can't speak Korean very well? It's ok, there's a translator app.

...just kidding. I mean, I'm signed up for the Berlin marathon in September and there's no lowering the bar for that. It's 26.2 miles or... 26.2 miles. Do or die. I miss running. I miss the liberation and pain. Is it just me or do those two things seem to go hand in hand? ...yeah, it's probably just me.